Here is a collection of jokes, essays, and poetry recalling
the computational talents of the first Pentium chips.
For humor about Windoze, see Kev's Collection of Windows Humor.
PENTIUM Q&A
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: Warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
A: A random number generator
A: A really expensive space heater
Q: What did Intel say to people complaining about Pentiums' FDIV?
A: "Go forth and multiply, and take a quantum leap."
Q: What is the difference between here and infinity?
A: Not all that much, really. It won't affect anybody anyway.
Q: Complete the following word analogy:
Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
A: On a Pentium, all of the above
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates."
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A: Repentium.
Q: What does the element Pentium decay into?
A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.
Q: What does FDIV mean?
A: It's an instruction mnemonic- Fundamentally Defective Instruction Vector.
A: Functionally Destructive Instigator of Violent results.
A: Flaming Dumb Intel Violation.
Q: What is the significance of the FDIV error for the general public?
A: Therapy; millions more people are going to have to go to their
psychiatrists when they discover they're not at x * 1/x with themselves.
Q: Please calculate 80486 - 80586. What's the answer?
A: (a) Infinity, and positive too.
A: (b) 80286.
Q: Do you know what the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a replacement for RU-486???
A: It's called RU-Pentium. It causes the embryo to not divide correctly.
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is pointless. You will be approximated.
Pentium: Intel's RISK chip!United we stand. Divided we fall!!!!!!!!
At Intel, Quality is Job .99999998!!
Intel, redefining the way we do math TODAY!
Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to: It can't do fractions, either.
New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside'
We give you the most megaflops
"Divide and conquer""99% Pentium compatible - you don't want the last 1% though."
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC-- and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
10. Your current computer is too accurate. 9. You want to get into the Guinness book as "Owner of Most Expensive Paperweight". 8. Math errors add zest to life. 7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 6. You want to see what all the fuss is about. 5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly. 3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating. 2. You got a great deal from JPL. 1. It'll probably work.
P rocessor E rrors N umbering T housands I n U sers M achines P ractically E veryone N ow T hinks I t's U seless for M ath
A new fundamental law of the physical universe, called the "Intel uncertainty principle," has shaken the very foundations of modern physics.
Briefly, the principle works something like this. Give any floating point division x/y on an Intel Pentium chip, you can either know the exact values x and y, or you can know the exact value of the quotient x/y, but it is impossible on a Pentium to know the precise values of x, y and x/y.
A wave function Pm(x,y) - an irrational solution of the Grove equation (Andy Grove was the former president of the chip manufacturer Intel) - describes the probability of finding the correct solution.
Thus the new view modern physics is taking is that all floating point operations are probability wave functions.
Similarly, the newly discovered P.C. exclusion principle prohibits replacement chips from ever occupying the same orbital as the original chip, thus effectively making such replacement impossible.
"Intel Inside!,"
Intel vied,
with ample pride
world wide
in guide
"Proven and tried!".
"Intel Inside!"
Budgets sighed;
millions buyed;
RISC sales dried
like ancient bride.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!
Scientists cried,
fit to be tied,
and numbers fried.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!!
Pi's pied
when FDIV died
and accuracy denied.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?
Executives hide
from "outside"
during Intel bide
on warranty decide.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?!!
See "Thalidomide".
(Taken for a ride.)
Intel lied.
After reading numerous postings from people who have been interviewed by Intel in an attempt to get a replacement for their buggy Pentium, it is clear that a business opportunity has been created. Anybody who ever resorted to "Cliff Notes" in high school in order to avoid actually reading Macbeth will appreciate the parallel:
Premise: A series of scripts will be furnished to the customer, the purpose of which is to pass the "Intel Quiz" being administered before you can qualify for a new Pentium.
Example of response, before purchasing "Intel Quiz Prep":
INTEL: Just what is it that you do with your Pentium-based computer?
RESPONSE: Well, I'm an undergraduate in math and I have a number of school assignments that require accurate floating point division. Also, to pay the rent, I participate in some small consulting contracts that require statistical analysis, use a lot of floating point, and require extremely accurate results.
INTEL: Sorry, you don't qualify. You're not a Nobel Laureate.
After preparation with "Intel Quiz Prep", the interrogation might go like this:
INTEL: Just what is it you do with your Pentium-based computer?
RESPONSE: Well, I have a consulting contract with Exxon which involves measuring the statistical probability that one of their tankers will hit an iceberg. After that Valdez thing, they're pretty touchy about this stuff. Of course, they do like to cut it pretty tight, and that's why we use Intel processors to calculate these things.
INTEL: Your new Pentium will be FEDEXed out today.
RESPONSE: Thank you!
This is just one example.
"Intel Quiz Prep" will furnish hundreds of variations, with regular monthly updates. A couple of late-night commercials and an 800 number, and it could be a reality.
After all, there are a couple million potential customers.
I'd love to hear from you -- send me a message at info@shsmedia.com
Go to Kev's Collection of Windows Humor.
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