Kev's Collection of Windows Humor

Enjoy!

The return of the Age of Miracles
An account of the impact of Windows 95 upon the cosmos

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Pytir Milivocic, spokesperson for the Serbs: "Now that (Windows 95) has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of the utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing (nuclear weapons)," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Microsoft Network has changed all that. It's such a small planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet", Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candour, Hussein said: "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and said: "Well, Saddam, I told you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait."

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred its accounting software to the new platform.

On the health front, Boston housewife Hildegard Wicca reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!"

Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, a Los Alamos man suffering from incurable cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95, his cancer went into remission.

When asked for comment on these miraculous events, Microsoft's Bill Gates, replied: "If you think this is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!" (due to ship in March of 1999)

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time.

System Requirements: Windows 95 or better

Free Windows emulator

#include 
#include 
#include 

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

main()
{
   if (detect_cache())
      disable_cache();

   if (fast_cpu())
      set_wait_states(lots);

   set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
   set_mouse(action, jumpy);
   set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

   printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right yet)\n");

   if (system_ok())
      crash(to_dos_prompt);
   else
      system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

   while(1) 
   {
      sleep(5);
      get_user_input();
      sleep(5);
      act_on_user_input();
      sleep(5);

      if (rand() < 0.9)
         crash(complete_system);
   }
   return(unrecoverable_system);
}

McNealy on Windows

"Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work another company could come along and copy your work and market it under it's own name...without legal restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art"
- Bill Gates, 1983

          
        Warning! Bill Gates may be the next antichrist!

* Revelation 13:18 says:
*
*    Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the
*    number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His
*    number is 666.

        The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
        Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means
        the order of third (3rd.)

        By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-
        values (which are used in computers) you will get the following:

     B    I    L    L    G    A    T    E    S    3

     66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666
                                                      ===
* Daniel 7:23 says:
*
*    "Thus he said:
*    'The fourth beast shall be
*    A fourth kingdom on Earth,
*    Which shall be different from all other kingdoms,
*    And shall devour the whole Earth,
*    Trample it and break it in pieces.

        Current history knows three antichrists:
        - Adolf Hitler
        - Joseph Stalin
        - The Pope

        Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of money?

* Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:
*
*    He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and
*    slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads.
*
*    and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or
*    the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

        "Windows compatible?"

The tree of evil bears bitter fruit -- Microsoft

So, Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days."

Bill Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."

Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95!"

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